Just imagine this? Have you thought about life in a different way? Can you imagine realizing that your entire life experience, everything that you’ve come to know, in terms of relationships or how you relate to people were falsely engineered? Can you imagine another way of life – something liberating and contrary to the life you are now living? Of course, you would say yes; there is another form of life experience outside your current reality.

What if you could live that life right this minute? What if you could see life in a very different way- as in, having a paradigm shift? The fact is, most people live a false life, and most do so unconsciously, although the event or action that prompted that lifestyle started off consciously, but then gradually it’s forgotten.

So, for the sake of this article, I would ask that you imagine for an instant living in a bubble- and in that bubble, imagine that you’ve been wearing a sunshade that came into your possession by an act of prevention.
The scenario is this, the sun came out and you had this sudden awareness to get the sunshade to protect your eyes from the sun rays. But then after wearing the shades, you completely forgot to take it off. You wore the shades the entire day; until it is time to go to bed, then you suddenly realize that you have been wearing your shades.
“No wonder, you couldn’t tell the difference in the time of day,” you said to yourself.
Ok; let us say the reason you forgot to take off your sunshades was because you were petrified of the sun damaging your eyesight- so, you kept it on just in case the sun came out again.
You wore the shade the entire morning, afternoon and evening, and could have even gone to bed with it- but then something happened that burst your bubble.
So, as the story goes, you forgot to remove your sunshade because you were afraid to damage your sight- consequently your view of the outside world was marred.

So, let say, that, this is how most people live their lives, in shades or through the lenses of their thinking. And if I may analyze this story, it would be told in this manner: The way we see the world most times is through the lenses of our thinking. Our thought processes are the protective shades that often times color our perspective of our environment, and, therefore, our lives.

This article is prompted by a conversation with a relative, who encountered the incident that is written about. She explained that while she was driving on the expressways toward the International Airport, she had taken out her Polo sunshades to cover her eyes from the penetrating sun rays when she had a flash of thoughts. The thoughts that came to her was that life experience is similar to seeing the outside world through the lenses of her Polo shades.

Some people wear protective lenses out of fear of danger to their being, in this instance, their eyes; but then most, because of fear of experiencing a reaction to what could pose another threat to their psychic. We keep a protective shade even when we don’t need it.

Similarly, most racist acts are occurrences provoked by fear of the unknown. We stereotype to protect us from experiencing what we fear. We cling to people we sometimes think that love us and we love them for fear of being alone. We continue with destructive habits even when it is causing us pain, all because we are afraid of change, afraid of experiencing the unknown.

According to this relative, when she took off her shades and saw the outside world after driving for an hour or so, she had what scientist calls a paradigm shift, changes that happen instantaneously to reveal an awareness of new perspective. When the thoughts to remove her shades came to her, she said, she had an epiphany, a conscious awareness that she may have been living in a bubble.

The reason this story is shared is to shed light on the way, some of our African girls back home and even in the Diaspora sometimes think in terms finding a life partner. And also, to bring to mind a similar article I wrote in regards to why some of our African women and men find it hard finding real love. For years, Vivian, which is not her actual name, said, she had questioned her preference for white men over dark skin African men.

According to Vivian, all her friends have healthy relationships, and most have gone on to marry and have children with their African husbands. She said she had of course met and dated her fellow Nigerian men, but the interest to go the extra mile, or have a normal kind of relationship with them was just not there for her.

“The interest to date or even think of marrying an African man was dead,” explained, Vivian. The fact is, even when she had dates with her white friends, the feeling, she said, was equally dead after one or two outings. The problem, she realized was that they did not match the mental picture she had in her head.

According to Vivian, the man she should date must have the posh kind of look- and where they don’t, the chances are that she wouldn’t date him again. So for years, Vivian said, she had no meaningful relationship with a Nigerian or even the Caucasians who she preferred dating because of the way her thinking was colored by the blanket desire for either a white posh perfect guy or none at all.

As you may have guessed, Vivian had a very extended life, not having a meaningful relationship, all because of some unconventional way of reasoning. There is really nothing wrong dating a Caucasian man, where the relationship occurred out of mutual, genuine interest and affection, but the problem with some black/white interracial relationships is that some are engineered out of fear of poverty, low self-worth or something traumatic that may have occurred to prompt the preference.

As I have written before on similar topic, the Hollywood type of romance according to Ted Huston, a pioneer in the psychology of relationships, is unrealistic and delusional and often leads to partners expecting too much from each other.

“The road to divorce is inevitable when couples have unrealistic expectations,” inferred Huston. Since what Vivian has implanted in her head is based on false premise, she has ended up year after year meeting, falling in and out of relationships with the wrong kind of men.
The chain of thoughts Vivian experienced while driving on 1-90 expressway brought to light what needed to be done. The problem was that she had been looking at life through a tinted mind, an enslaved mindset, while ignoring the essential, the crucial element, which is that one must look at people through the genuine eyes of love and not through their skin color, or lifestyle.

As Dr. Phil McGraw pointed out in his book “Love Smart,” that, “loving smart means believing in you, your worth and your value.” According to Dr. Phil, there is no perfect fit, therefore, if you can find a mate who is free of the deal breakers, and have 80 percent of what you want in a mate, you can bag him and take him home.”
The experience that prompted Vivian to desire a posh white man may have come on as a protective shield against something that might have been painful to bear, but whatever it was, clouded her judgment, and invariably, her view of men, especially her fellow African men.

Although Vivian concluded that she would be lying if she were to say no more white man for her. This time, she said, she does not have the blanket dead thinking, that either white or none at all.

As Dr. Phil said, the first step toward change is admitting that one has a problem in the first place. As for Vivian, she has recognized her problem and has realized what matters most- and that is, by changing her mind, she has invariably changed her life. Vivian also said that she would be okay even if she never finds the special someone.

As Dr. Phil said, “this means deciding that if she has to be alone, she is not a wrong person to do it with, there again, it also means believing that in her most authentic state, she is absolutely worthy of having a committed partner of quality,”(p.82) “Love Smart,” (McGraw, 2005).
Reference:

Love Smart, (2002), Dr. Phil McGraw; Psychology Today, (2000), Ted Huston Ph.D.;