The perpetrator doesn’t inflict harm directly but manipulates others close to the victim to cause damage, which constitutes abuse by proxy. This allows the perpetrator to exert greater control over the victim.

Domestic violence by proxy typically occurs when an abusive parent or partner continues their abuse through another person. Often, this is seen through the manipulation of children. In the accompanying picture, the individual has been coerced by his abuser to mistreat his mother. He has been conditioned to keep his hair unwashed as a deliberate attempt to offend the other parent, who had previously complained about his grooming as a child. The father, who is the primary abuser, along with his sister, has psychologically manipulated this young man into neglecting his hygiene before visiting his mother. They knew this would vex and upset her.

One might wonder why the young man neglects his hair despite being old enough to care for it. He has become a tool of his father’s abuse towards his mother, unaware that he is a victim of his father’s manipulation. This situation exemplifies Stockholm syndrome, where a captive begins to identify with their captors and their demands. The son, unknowingly, is carrying out his father’s abusive agenda against his mother, engaging in behaviors he wouldn’t ordinarily consider if not for the years of manipulation.

Just hearing his father’s name triggers a panic reaction in him, leading to abusive behavior towards his mother. Despite the mother’s pleas for help, authorities like social services and the police have failed to intervene, making them complicit in the abuse by their inaction. The young man is isolated, living in supported accommodation with no access to other family members or friends who could offer support. His mother, who previously provided prompting and encouragement, is unable to reach him. Although he no longer lives with his father, the father’s psychological control remains strong, dictating the young man’s actions and isolating him further.

Written by Blessing Bess Otobo

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