Coercive control is a form of psychological abuse where an individual uses manipulation, isolation, intimidation, and other tactics to dominate and control another person. This form of abuse is not always physical but can be just as damaging. It often involves restricting the victim’s freedom, creating a sense of dependency, and instilling fear and confusion.

One of the most painful ways coercive control manifests is through domestic abuse by proxy—when an abuser enlists third parties, including colleagues at work, family members, young adults, children, or even institutions, to maintain control over the victim. This was something Ona 55, whom I shall not reveal her full name has experienced firsthand. Her son, a young adult now, has been abused from the age of eight by his father and his siblings, into becoming a tool of continued abuse against her.

Despite the fact that her son is an adult, despite her continued effort to support her son with love, various methods have been used to condition him to isolate himself from her, ignore her calls, reject her gifts, and follow the script set by his father. The City council where she lives, under the guise of supporting him through a “supported accommodation,” has only further enabled this dynamic, preventing them from having a healthy, independent relationship. How it stands now, the father does not have to explicitly instruct him—his control has been programmed so deeply that her son unconsciously follows his father’s will, and instruction even to his own detriment.

It is heartbreaking to know that her son is not only going through a lot himself, given that he’s kept from receiving genuine support, but is also being used as a tool to inflict emotional harm on the mother who truly loves him. The pain of this situation is immense, but what is even more disappointing is knowing that the institutions meant to help are instead covertly assisting the abuser in maintaining his control.

Effects on Victims

Victims of coercive control often suffer from long-term emotional and psychological trauma. The effects include anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), loss of self-esteem, and an inability to form trusting relationships. When children are used as tools of abuse, they suffer from confusion, divided loyalties, and emotional damage that can last well into adulthood. Ona fears for her son’s well-being, as he continues to live under the shadow of his father’s influence without realizing the extent of the control exerted over him. The mental stress on Ona has been profound, especially seeing the close bond with her son constantly interfered with by the father, and now through the social services.

Seeking Help

Recognizing coercive control is the first step in escaping it. Victims who can should document incidents of abuse, seek legal advice, and reach out to support networks, including domestic abuse organizations and therapists who specialize in trauma recovery. Laws such as the Serious Crime Act 2015 (UK) recognize coercive control as a criminal offense, allowing victims to take legal action against their abusers. However, enforcement of these laws is still lacking, especially when institutions themselves become complicit.

For victims who are isolated and unable to reach out to a support network—either due to surveillance, threats, or lack of access—intervention must come from outside. Friends, family, neighbors, and frontline professionals (such as healthcare workers, teachers, or police officers) must be trained to recognize subtle signs of coercive control and take proactive steps to offer help discreetly. Governments and institutions should ensure safe, confidential channels for reporting abuse, and prioritize safeguarding procedures even when a victim cannot speak openly. In extreme cases, covert interventions and risk assessments may be necessary to protect those in danger. A coordinated, community-based response is essential to reach victims who are trapped in silence.

The Impact of Childhood Trauma:

Children who experience or witness coercive control and abuse often carry the emotional scars into adulthood. Girls who were abused, particularly by their mothers, may grow up struggling with self-worth, decision-making, and emotional regulation. When these abusive parents refuse to acknowledge the harm they caused, the trauma festers, leaving the adult child feeling invalidated and alone.

In Ona’s own experience, she has witnessed how an abusive parent can continue to exert control even after their child has grown up. In many cases, these unrepentant parents suffer from selective amnesia, conveniently forgetting their abusive behaviors while expecting continued financial and emotional support from their children. This dynamic traps the adult child in a cycle of guilt and obligation, preventing true healing and independence.

The Role of Modern Churches:

Religious institutions, which should offer solace and support, often fall short. Many modern churches focus more on wealth-building and institutional expansion than on helping vulnerable members of their congregation. Instead of following Christ’s example of compassion and service, these churches exploit their followers, offering platitudes rather than real assistance to those suffering from abuse and trauma.

Breaking Free:

Healing from coercive control and childhood trauma requires acknowledging the abuse, setting boundaries, seeking professional help, and building a support system outside of toxic influences. It is essential for survivors to reclaim their autonomy and refuse to be further manipulated by those who once controlled them.

The Role of Flying Monkeys in Coercive Control and Manipulation

In cases of coercive control and narcissistic abuse, one of the most insidious tactics used by an abuser is the manipulation of others to do their bidding. These individuals—often called flying monkeys—serve as extensions of the abuser’s power and control. Named after the minions in The Wizard of Oz, flying monkeys are used to further isolate, confuse, and undermine the victim. They often manipulate the victim’s emotions and perception of reality, contributing to their ongoing distress and vulnerability.

Flying monkeys can be anyone: family members, friends, co-workers, and even support workers or therapists. The abuser carefully selects these individuals based on their ability to carry out the abuser’s wishes, whether they are aware of it or not. In many cases, flying monkeys may not even realize they are complicit in the abuse—they are simply following the abuser’s narrative or being influenced by their manipulation.

In Ona’s situation, her son’s support worker—a Nigerian man like herself—has become an unknowing or possibly willing accomplice in perpetuating the manipulation. This support worker subtly encourages her son to view his father as the “good” parent, reinforcing the idea that his father is doing right by him. This is particularly damaging because her son is emotionally conditioned to feel that his father is the stable, responsible figure, even when he is absent and the one perpetuating the emotional and psychological abuse.

This dynamic of flying monkeys plays out in various ways, often creating confusion for the victim. For instance, when the support worker makes allusions to how her son reacts to his father’s name, it further manipulates her son’s feelings and distances him from her. This is not just an emotional, but also a psychological barrier to her relationship with her son. It subtly reinforces the harmful narrative that she is the “bad” parent, and her son internalizes this message, creating further isolation between them.

The flying monkey strategy also serves the abuser’s purpose of isolating the victim. By using others to act on their behalf, the abuser ensures that the victim has fewer allies, further alienating them from those who could potentially offer support or guidance. It often feels like a form of gaslighting, where the victim begins to question their own perceptions and feelings, making them more vulnerable to further manipulation.

In many cases, flying monkeys knowingly or unknowingly perpetuate these cycles, believing they are helping the victim or acting in the best interest of the family. However, they are often manipulated into thinking they are doing the right thing, when in reality, they are enabling a toxic and harmful system of control. The abuser often plays a clever game, using their flying monkeys to keep the victim isolated, confused, and emotionally drained.

It is crucial for individuals to critically assess their role in these dynamics and avoid taking sides based solely on one narrative. If you suspect someone is in a coercive or abusive situation, offer support without judgment and avoid relaying messages or exerting pressure on behalf of others. Educate yourself on the signs of manipulation and coercive control so you can avoid being used as a tool of abuse. Supporting a victim means respecting their autonomy, listening without bias, and encouraging access to professional help when they are ready.

Article written by Blessing Bess Otobo